they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
rapatouille
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
