they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz