They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire