Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

every college guy’s fridge

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF