They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If only
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock