They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Why soy sad?
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.