They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.