They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’