They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I can fix him.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.