Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

No one can handle that

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.