Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏