Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

🙂🐾

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.