They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.