They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*