This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.