I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…
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*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation