They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???