They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
