Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get