They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start


There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.


[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia


Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?


Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT


2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?


My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.


My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap