They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked