If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
my wife: don’t you dare say it
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
This is my brand.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap