@DrakeGatsby

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

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@LaLa_Lyds

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@oscarewilde

[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
me:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@HomeWithPeanut

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

@River_Niles

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@Erin1137

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap