They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.