Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.