They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You Might Also Like
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)