They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting