They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.