They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
me, too, girl. me, too.
You can’t rush stupid.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I am also baked goods
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Thursday Thought.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.