They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You Might Also Like
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure