They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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Accurate
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*