They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL