They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Everything reminds me of my ex
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles