They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?