They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
and this one
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*