Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.