They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
You Might Also Like
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.