Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.