Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

These 3D printers are insane!

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH