Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.