Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.