Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

My Guy

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Poetry is my passion

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Google assistant rules

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious