They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I am HOWLING at this
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?