They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Breaking news:
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
This guy’s not having it 😆
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words