Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.