They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
You Might Also Like
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
how long have you had this for?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.