They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.