They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
genius
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.