They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
How high do the levels go?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.