they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’m tired tomorrow.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Stop it! 😂
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later