They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Dammit Chief not again
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
tag yourself
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.