Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.