They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
#milo
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?