They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me