They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
so much to do
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
groan^2
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one