They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?