they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?