they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”