they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Challenge accepted.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
These aliens are taking forever.