Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Seas the day!!!!

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*