They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left