They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Double negatives are never not confusing.