They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
fixed it
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won