They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
i spent way too long on this
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*