They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.