They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
this was very charming
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk