They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.