They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
You Might Also Like
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My inexpensive home security system…
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Tier 3 meme
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
