“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.