“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.