Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

This was a bad idea all around

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.