Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

umm…

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Breaking news:

journal

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.