Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.