They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
😂💯
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.