They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
So that’s what we looked like?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.