They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.