They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
You Might Also Like
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.