They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh