They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Hoping to spice up my evening
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
“What?”
– Jude
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
North and South
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys